I Lack the Physical Ability to Be in the NFL but I More Than Make Up for It With My Innovation in the Area of Touchdown Celebrations.

by Peter Haas
(courtesy of McSweeney's)

Run to local church, convert to Catholicism, then run back to end zone and make the sign of the cross.

Write "paragon of athletic achievement" in the air with my hand.

Shimmy up goalpost, refuse to come back down.

Jog victory laps around referee.

Calmly pull football apart at the seams.

Dump cooler of Gatorade on myself.

Enter press box, write article praising my performance.

Take out cell phone hidden in padding on goalpost, call up fire department, and tell them there's a man on fire at the stadium. Add, "It's me! Get it? Get it?!"

Break dance in attempt to outdo celebrating member of other team.